Technologist and Bit Wrangler

OpenSource, Home Lab, Dad Jokes N Stuff!

Jokes (Updated weekly’sh from Mike’s joke distribution)

My wife bought me some new luggage for my birthday but got the cheapest she could find. The handles came off, there were holes in the bottom and the lock didn’t work. Straight away, I knew that this was a worst case scenario

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked the Enigma code. Few people know his sister Kate, who provided drinks and snacks for his colleagues.

A great relationship is when your wife is by your side during the bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

That awkward moment when you lie on the floor to do a sit-up but realize you can’t do a sit-up, and now you can’t get up either.

If a child refuses to take a nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Me:…. So if the Hulk eats lunch and then a while later turns back into Dr Banner, does Banner now have a giant Hulk-size poo inside him? Interviewer:…..I meant do you have any questions about the job

Someone glued my deck of cards together. I don’t know how to deal with it.

I’ve realised why aliens have never visited our solar system. It’s because of our terrible reviews. We only have one star.

What happens if someone slaps you at high frequency? It hertz.

have some definitions…

Shuttlecock – Air Force One. Slumber – big pile o’ wood, innit? Suppository – someone you’ve always suspected votes Conservative. Somerset – mixed result at jelly factory. Sprites – what the royals have with their Christmas dinner Surfer – what you sit on in Hull. Tarka Dahl – one of the otter curries. Tenalady – a cheap date. Transcendental – to receive false teeth through the post from a drag act. Trash – what makes you itch in Yorkshire. Trumpet – a miniature bigot. Turtle – what your bill adds up to in Hull. Tweet – what cereal farmers grow in Yorkshire. Twist – Yorkshire card game. Ukraine – machine for lifting female sheep. Unilever – a stick for getting students out of bed. Ventricle – diagram explaining bladder weakness. Wagtail – Colleen Rooney’s autobiography. Warthogs – what people in Newcastle call their clothes.

“Come in number 9 your time is up” “Boss, we’ve only got 8 boats.” “No 6 - are you in trouble?”

There’s two reasons I won’t give money to beggars.   1. They’ll use it to buy alcohol.   2. I want to use it to buy alcohol.

my wife said I am pretty. Well the whole sentence was “you’re pretty annoying “ but I’m focusing on the positive.

I went to visit my Yorkshire born neighbour yesterday, and found him stripping the wallpaper off the walls. I said “Doing a bit of renovating are you?” He said “No, we’re moving house.”

My boss asked me why I only get sick on workdays. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I’ve been reading a very inspiring book about swimming the English channel. It’s written by a guy called Francis Near. It’s illustrated by Willie Makeit and additional material has been supplied by Betty Wont

have some more definitions…

Bordello – offhand greeting. Buffalo – naked greeting. Herbicide – the murder of a Volkswagen Beetle. Kindling – digital book-burning Kudos – second line of customers in a Spanish supermarket. Lactic – a non-functioning watch. Metabolic – when you’ve just bumped into Andy Burnham. Netenyahu – how people search for things online. Obesity – medical drama the BBC used to show on Saturday nights. Oeuvre – a French vacuum cleaner. Ombudsman – a Buddhist florist. Parakeets – the military wing of the Romantic poets. Peckish – a bit like the actor Gregory.

Poems (Updated sometimes.. Poetry In’it )

a poem about Autumn 🍂

She loved to catch
the falling leaves
in autumn

she would sit
   and
                       wait
         beneath
the
                trees
       until
                               she'd
            cautumn

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